Meanwhile, Waitrose makes a slightly misguided stand

Bless them , Waitrose are trying hard to defend our language. A few months back they changed the signs on their basket-only checkouts to read “Ten items or fewer”. I made the mistake of congratulating the cashier of their usage and she apologised. “I know, I know, people keep telling me, it should be ‘ten items or less’.” Nooo… I didn’t know where to start sorting that out, I tried but she just looked confused,

England’s smoking ban has had me in a consistent state of annoyance for the last 18 months. Not for the ban itself – it’s lovely to be able to go to a pub or restaurant and come away not stinking – but for the signs that have appeared in every shop window: “It is against the law to smoke in these premises”.

This evening I noticed that Waitrose has tried to correct this with “It is against the law to smoke on these premises”. They clearly understand that a “premise” is a piece of land and it is impossible to smoke in a premise unless you dig a hole. So well done Waitrose. Sort of. Still not right, because the law bans smoking in public buildings, not on land in general. I am sure Waitrose’s premises extend beyond their building. They should say what they mean: “It is against the law to smoke in this building”.

Published in:  on 12th December 2008 at 11:50 pm Leave a Comment
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Sainsbury’s Celebrates Mediocrity

I want to know how it’s possible that the Sainsbury’s poster

Sainsbury’s Taste The Difference: The Best in Everyday Foods

got through what I imagine is a lengthy approval process, from designer through copywriter, agency execs, and typesetter to ad buyers and marketing execs and finally to the repro team and printers without ever passing through a single person who knows what “everyday” means.

Just in case you are a marketing executive, let me advise.”Everyday” means “mediocre, average, mundane, boring, a bit pants”.

“Every day” (with a space) means “daily” but still would not make sense in the context above. “The Best in Food for Every Day” is the closest I can get to the presumed intent of the advertisers.

The only meaning I can ascribe to the advert as it appears on giant posters is “Come to Sainsbury’s for the least worst food”. It would be hilarious were it not so sad.

Published in:  on 6th December 2008 at 11:22 am Leave a Comment
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Cautionary Tale

Having a blog is a useful thing sometimes. I just heard from my daughter’s good friend and Proper Big Banch, Sarah, who had been reading my blog and reminded me to cancel my direct debit for that missing mobile phone (blog passim). Thanks Sarah. Just for you, here’s a poem.

The Cautionary Tale of Cedric Mouse and Simon Louse

I sliced and diced and added spice
And in a trice, I’d served with rice,
A dish with which I could entice
My sweet shy Cedric into vice.
That shyster ate it, called it “nice”,
Not once or twice, he said it thrice.
In my mind’s eye I saw us spliced
And then he left, as cool as ice.

I thought tonight would end with kisses
But al I’ve got is dirty dishes.

Our lives are cursed by fly-by-nights
Who view us girls as their birthrights,
But quite my worst was Simon Price
Whose Merc turned out to be his wife’s.
Some men are mice, some men are lice,
So girls, I urge, take my advice
(I’ll try to make my words concise),
Steer clear of men, they’re just not nice.

Published in:  on 7th November 2008 at 1:02 pm Comments (1)
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Electoral Diversion

Last week was so full of dancing I had little time to write. In fact, adding up on my fingers, I find I have danced a total of 16 hours since Tuesday. Time for something different and to give my aching muscles a rest so tonight I went to the Hog’s Back Writers workshop on plotting. We did a mad but fun exercise where we all wrote words, mixed them up in a hat, pulled them out and knitted them into a story. The words were a mixture of incidents, names, abstract nouns, locations, professions and household objects. Mine were

An important election – wristwatch – The Colosseum in Rome – a kennel – hairbrush – Julia – Nigel – milkman – insurance claims assessor – relief – sugar bowl – tranquillity – goodwill – rotary washing line.

Here’s what I made of it….

The returning officer looked at his wristwatch and gulped. He would soon have to announce the results and he knew the whole Colosseum, nay, the whole of Rome would rise in revolt.

He feared the dogs would be loosed from the kennels. He felt about his person for some weapon to defend himself but found only a hairbrush.

He saw the Lady Julia approaching, a look of anger and impatience on her face.

“Do get on with it” she shouted. “The people are waiting. You really are milking it. No wonder they call you The Milkman.”

It was then that he remembered Emperor Nigel’s dirty little secret. That knowledge was his insurance in case they tried to pin the obviously fixed result on him. Any such claim would be assessed but he knew his insurance would keep him safe. At this realisation the relief washed over him. He took another sugar from the bowl and stirred it into his tea, leaned back and sipped it slowly; his mood now one of tranquillity. Make the bastards wait. He owed them no goodwill and if they tried to hang their dirty washing on him, he had a rotary washing line.

Published in:  on 4th November 2008 at 12:23 am Leave a Comment
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Vista Updates Redux

Last week I blogged that since Vista Service Pack 1, Microsoft has been sending updates almost every day. It continues almost unabated. I think there have been only two or three nights in the last 17 days when there has been no patch to apply.

This morning I had a look at the log. Since 15th August (well before SP1) there have been 58 separate attempts to apply the same security patch to PowerPoint 2007, It must be a very important security parch for them to try so hard. Especially as I do not own a copy of PP 2007.

The machine came with demo versions of Office 2007 pre-installed. These demos do their best to strong-arm you into buying the package. They are then very difficult to uninstall. I still have the problem that opening a Word 2003 document tells me it is in the wrong version. If I ignore the message and press on, it will eventually agree to open it in Word 2003. No doubt these repeated attempts at security patches are part of the same residual effect.

If products this invasive and disruptive came from any source other the Microsoft, MS would create security patches to defeat them.

Published in:  on 24th October 2008 at 7:15 am Leave a Comment
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What’s all this then? —>

The things down the side of my blog I added to make it pretty are two Wordles and a slug of Japanese.

Wordles are word clouds automatically generated from the text of this blog. One of them from the first page and one from the second. Click on them to go to the site. There are all sorts of options you can choose to make an artistic impression of your words, or someone else’s. You can simply type or paste text into an input form if you don’t want to use a feed.

The kanji are the Japanese words “foolish” and “love”. Whether simply putting them together like that makes “foolish love” I don’t know. But would love to hear from someone who can tell me.

Much better a little ignorance temporarily displayed beside a blog than a lot of ignorance permanently tattooed. I have been reading a Japanese site (in English) about the recent trend for Japanese/Chinese tattoos. No surprise really to find out that more often than not they are hilariously wrong. Apparently there is a Japanese “alphabet” that is widely used, and maybe even believed, by tattooists. It consists of 26 kanji, some of them badly drawn and mostly representing words to do with martial arts. Some idiot (or joker) has decided that these 26 characters equate to English letters. So there are people out there with five kanji down their arms which they believe spell TRACY and which actually says “drop-kick, kung-fu, dojo, deep bow, plank”.

Published in:  on 23rd October 2008 at 11:10 pm Leave a Comment
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The All-Purpose Excuse

So on Friday night I get a cold call from India. A Three salesperson offers me a mobile contract for £13.50/month for 500 minutes. Sounded good and I agreed. This is the first time in my life I’ve bought from a cold call.

The buying process was painful. Not only did I have to give all the details to the salesperson, I was then transferred to her boss who went through it all again. Then the perennial problem arose of where they should deliver the phone. I wanted it delivered to my office as there is never anyone at home to take delivery. As a security measure (understandable – it’s what we tell our clients to do) they would only deliver to the registered address of my card. They told me not to worry. The courier would put a card through my door and I would be able to arrange different delivery with them.

Monday, the card arrives, as promised.

Tuesday I logged on to the courier’s website, entered my details, located my order, selected the redelivery option… to be told “We cannot deliver to another address. Please contact the sender”.

But it was a cold call. How do I know how to contact them?

So I phoned the courier and was answered by a machine that guided me through the same menu, told me to contact the sender and hung up on me.

Back to the website to find an email address and write to them requesting Three’s contact details.

A hour or so later I get an emailed reply. “We are sorry we cannot deliver to a different address. Please contact the sender”. Grrr. Starting to get annoyed now.

I reply. “I will if you tell me how”.

The answer comes back “The sender was Three”.

My reply this time may have just a hint of sarcasm.

Another email arrives apologising that they cannot divulge Three’s contact details as this would contravene the Data Protection Act. OMG! The modern all-purpose excuse. And utter drivel. The DPA protects data on individuals; it does not cover company information and if it did, it would still be ridiculous to apply it in this case.

I reply yet again to point out the error of their ways. This time their reply uses the phrase “respectfully suggest”. LOL. Nothing respectful in that. At least their explanation this time has a ring of truth;they do not deal with Three directly and do not have the contact details. They respectfully suggest I contact the person who sold me the phone.

Yes, well, I would, I calmly explain, if I could. I am just asking them for the contact details for entertainment. I have nothing better to do. I told them to return the phone as undeliverable.

I wonder if this will be the end of it or if I will have to struggle to stop the direct debit. We will see.

Update 1: Went to the bank to see if Three had taken any money. They hadn’t. The bank clerk advised me to cancel the direct debit. “Easier to do it now than claim the money back” she advised me. I should have listened. Next day Three took the first charge. Still no sign of the phone, of course. I cancelled the direct debit immediately. A day too late. Can I be bothered to do anything about the £13.50?

Update 2: Next bill arrives from Three. No acknowledgement of non-receipt of phone. New bill is for £15. Huh? Tied in for 18 months and they’re free to increase the price? I don’t think so. Pretty sure that’s an illegal contract.

Update 3: Letter from Three advising me it in my interest to pay up.

Update 4: Three’s letter almost immediately followed by a letter and phone message from debt collection agency.HAppy Christmas to you too, you bastards.  This is getting laughable. Half a mind to let them take me to court and embarrass themselves.

Which reminds me .I haven’t heard anything from ATOL about compensation for our lost Freedom Flights fares. With 200,000 people to deal with I’m not surprised and I’ve deliberately not been chasing as I expect that will involve hours of listening to hold music, but I think I ought to start chasing sometime soon.

Update 1: Finally heard from ATOL. A phone call just before Christmas at last acknowledging our claim and telling me I needed to send one more document. Whch I did – unacknowledged of course. Unabl to give me any hint of when the money might be sent out.

Went out with the Ladies Who Lunch today. Got lost (again) on the way to the pub. Had overcooked pigeon breast with black pudding and delicious scallops. Sent back a beer for tasting wrong. They denied there was anything wrong with it but took it back anyway. Finished with sticky toffee pudding and clotted cream – which was actually creme fraiche – so I sent that back too. Hmm.. something wrong with every course. Am I just getting old and grumpy that I complain about these things? I actually thoroughly enjoyed myself. The scallops and the company made up for the beer, pigeon and lack of cream. My only regret is that I didn’t eat a bit more of the sticky toffee pudding before I sent it back.

A good thing about the company of old-timers is that they don’t mind if you complain. The Greek and I went with a bunch of young friends for a farewell meal just before she went to Taiwan. The waiter asked in that irrepressibly cheerful way “Is everything OK” and the Greek and I chorused in unison “the fish is overcooked”. The youngsters and the waiter looked mortified with embarrassment and the waiter scuttled off never to be seen again. Apparently “fine, thank you” is the only acceptable answer.

That’s why you should never greet anyone over 45 with “how are you?” because the chances are they will tell you.

Published in:  on 22nd October 2008 at 4:56 pm Comments (1)
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Bum Moves

Back to Bordon tonight to dance with my youngest mother. For once the intermediate class wasn’t too hard and we had a lot of fun. The chap who teaches is a rotund fellow with an Eastenders accent who punctuates his sentences with “awright?”. He looks like he’s walked out of a 1940s movie. He’s even in black and white. He wears black and white dance shoes, black trousers and black braces over a white shirt. It does make a change to see a male dance teacher who looks the part instead of jeans and t-shirt. He’s also a lot of fun. He has a talent for taking the mickey out of his students without causing offence. Tonight I was the butt of the jokes – and for good reason. The routine we were learning finished with the man going down on one knee, spinning the girl around and sitting her on the other knee. Well I knelt on the wrong knee and sat my girl on the floor. We laughed so much it was difficult to dance.

Published in:  on 21st October 2008 at 12:13 am Leave a Comment
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Language, Roots and Speling Reeform

Earlier I reported that my failure to find my reading specs was getting in the way of writing my blog. Well, I still haven’t found them so I have had to resort to a magnifying glass. And, given the topic of this entry, very appropriate it is too. It is kept in a box together with one of my most precious possessions, the Compact Oxford English Dictionary.

If, by some chance, you are unfamiliar with the OED, it is a remarkable work. It attempts to explain and detail the origins of every word used in the English language since 1150 AD; in other words, the whole of modern English. The “uncompact” version is 20 huge volumes requiring four feet of shelf space. The “compact” version (“compact”, that’s a laugh) is the entirety of the text photoreduced to fit into one book that is too big to lift comfortably. The smallest text is an eye-watering 1.2pt. That’s 10 times smaller than the text you are reading. A single letter is roughly the size of one pixel on a computer monitor. Now I don’t care how young you are, how sharp your eyesight, you need help to read something that size. And that’s why the Compact OED uses extraordinarily high quality printing and why it comes with its own magnifying glass. And since some oik had stolen the magnifying glass from the copy in my local bookshop, that’s why they sold me the book for £50 instead of the usual price of £275. And it’s the replacement magnifying glass I am using not to read the OED but to read my English-Greek dictionary for the insert to come.

This morning a conversation on The Fence turned to that old chestnut of American vs British spellings. Lines were drawn and battle groups coalesced around “aluminum” vs “aluminium” and “colour” vs “color”. We’ve all been there and seen it before.

One of the arguments put forward in defence of British spelling, one I’ve often used myself in the past, is that it preserves the origins of the word. Educated people can tell at a glance whether a word is Germanic, French or Greek in origin.

I hadn’t realised just how true this is until I spent a while playing FreeRice. Never tried it? Give it a go. If you love words, it’s fun. It’s a multiple choice vocabulary test. You are given a word and four choices for what it “means”. I put “means” in inverted commas because sometimes the link between the question and the answer is more than a little obscure and to imply, as their wording does, that the two words are synonyms is at best misleading. There are 51 levels. My best score is to reach level 48. I tend to hover around level 46. The interesting thing is that by that level I have left behind words whose meaning I actually know. But from looking at the word, I can usually deduce its origins and from that I can pick between the answer and the distractors.

For example, short words are usually Germanic in origin and represent basic concepts, ideas that were needed when the Angles and the Saxons were in Britain. Short words of modern origin (e.g. “car” and “blog”) are invariably abbreviations of longer terms (“horseless carriage”, “web log”); words that got shorter as the need to use them became more frequent.

Oddly, despite being here for 500 years, the Romans left little impact on our language. We do have a few Latin words from them such as “mile” but most Latin words in English got here via French and arrived with William the Conqueror. If a word looks French, chances are it has something to do with military matters or feudalism or other concepts that entered England with the Normans.

We also have two sources of Greek words in our language. Those French-from-Latin words brought over by the Normans are very often themselves of Greek origin. It is as if they are Greek with a French accent. Ironically, the English words that come straight from Greek are not Greek at all; they are all inventions by classically educated scientists of the Victorian era who, as a kind of conceit, fell back on Ancient Greek as a source of words to describe their discoveries or inventions. Many terms from science, medicine and mathematics are transliterated portmanteau Ancient Greek words pressed into new service.

A little aside…

I’d always thought the principle that short words represent basic concepts was a universal truth. After all it makes sense. There are only so many single syllables and they are all used up by the time a culture starts needing words for “nuclear reactor” or “Seasonal Affective Disorder”. That is, I thought it was universal until I started learning Greek. I can’t, off the top of my head, think of any single-syllable Greek words (apart from “yes”, “and” and suchlike) and flicking through my dictionary, I can’t see any either. As this little table shows, some very common concepts are represented with quite long words in Greek.

Car Αυτοκινητο (Avtokineto)
Gate Καγκελοπορτα (Kagkeloporta)
Pig Γουρουνι (Gourouni)
Hat Καπελλο (Kapello)
Man Ανθρωπος (Anthropos)
Left Αριστερος (Aristeros)

So what does all this tell us about spelling reform? FreeRice is an American site, using American spellings and that has some difference to my scores, I have very occasionally been misled. Would I still be able to deduce the origins of words if there were a radical overhaul of English spelling. I am really not sure. I suspect I would still be reasonably OK. But even if not, my losing a couple of levels on FreeRice seems a small price to pay for generally increased literacy.

English is unusual among European languages in having such a poor mapping between the way words are spelt and the way they are pronounced. If you see a word, you can’t necessarily say it and if you hear a word, you can’t necessarily write it. It has to be said that this makes thing unnecessarily difficult for learners, whether they are children or foreigners.

There is an almost irrational social prejudice against people who cannot spell. It is vitally important for our children to learn to spell if they want to get on in life. Despite giving this so much thought I am still as beset with the prejudice as any other Radio 4 listener. When I was using a dating site a couple of years back, if a woman used “alot” when she meant “a lot”, I would immediately delete her profile as “not my type” however alluring her photo.

So, given this undoubted prejudice, why do we continue to make our language so hard to learn? Of course, no-one is “making” it hard. There is no authority controlling English. It just is. And it’s changing fast. I am sure the time will come when simplification will take over. I am also sure the old complexities will never be totally eradicated.

How does English compare to other languages in this complexity? All the European languages with which I have any passing familiarity are “purer” than English, with just one principle linguistic root. This is undoubtedly why, when you see a word in French, German, Italian, Spanish, Dutch or Greek you can unerringly pronounce it as long as you know the rules (which can be complex, of course). The converse is less true. If you hear a German word you stand a good chance of being able to spell it, but it’s not guaranteed. French has many letter groups that sound alike, making it trickier to spell French words. Modern Greek is difficult to spell, especially the vowels. Ancient Greek had a clear mapping from sounds to letters and back again. The spellings have, by and large, been preserved but the pronunciations have shifted over the centuries, at the cost of many formerly distinct sounds. The consonants have shifted in a common direction – towards softer pronunciation. D -> Th (as in them), T -> D, B -> V, K -> G, P -> B (but not quite all the way – think of the “p” in “spit”), but the vowels have merged together so that now there are at least five ways of spelling the sound “ee”.

OK, so these other languages have their difficulties, but English is the hardest? Right? Hardly! Consider Mandarin, Cantonese and Japanese. There is no way whatever that you can write a Chinese word on hearing it for the first time or that you can say it on reading it for the first time.

The Japanese have techniques for dealing with this. They have a phonetic written language called hiragana (there is also katakana, which is equivalent to our italic script, being used to represent foreign loan words). Children and foreigners learn to write using hiragana and only gradually are kanji (the Chinese characters) introduced. Whenever an unusual word appears in a Japanese newspaper, one the readers might not know how to pronounce, it has a pronunciation guide alongside it in the form of miniature hiragana known as furigana.

A word about morae…

There are 105 hiragana characters, each representing a syllable. Hence the set is known as a “syllabary” rather than an “alphabet”. The syllables consist of a consonant followed by a vowel. The two exceptions are “A” and “N”, which both have their own symbols and count as syllables. In the world of linguistics, these 105 sounds are technically known as “morae” rather than syllables. There is much debate on how fundamental they are. To Japanese speakers they have a powerful significance. For example, the ancient poetic form of haiku consists of exactly 17 morae. It seems to me that the significance of morae is overstated and I am far from convinced they even exist in any properly definable sense. I think they seem significant to Japanese speakers because of the way they learned to write as children.

As a further aside, it is interesting that the syllables in a Japanese poem can be unambiguously counted, This is not the case in English where syllable boundaries are quite fluid. It is also interesting that the Japanese count will often be quite different from an English count. For example, take the city names “Tokyo” and “London”. In English they have three and two syllables respectively: To-ky-o and Lon-don. In Japanese they both have four syllables. “To-o-kyo-o” has four because the “o” sounds are double length, and only four because “kyo” is considered a single syllable. “Lo-n-do-n” has four because, as mentioned above, “n” stands as a syllable on its own.

東京 “Tokyo” in kanji (as you would invariably see it written).
とぅきょぅ “Tokyo” in hiragana. Note that just to confuse the issue “きょ” is considered as a single mora. The small size of the “よ” indicates it should be read together with the preceding character.
ロソドソ “London” in katakana, as is appropriate for a foreign name.

So we have nowhere near the problems of the Chinese or Japanese, but there undoubtedly are problems with English spelling. Have the American reforms helped? Not one jot. They were so half-hearted they did nothing except add to the general confusion. I also believe that, in the long term, spelling reform is a doomed enterprise. Take the example of Greek described above: the spoken language changes much more quickly than the written language and reformed spellings will always ultimately be left behind by spoken usage.

But if you want to know how to go about spelling reform, consider the 15th century example of the Korean language. Wikipedia has an excellent article on it. Briefly stated, up until 1443 AD, they used Chinese writing and, as a consequence all but a very few elite were illiterate. King Sejong the Great imposed a newly invented written language that, while it looks at first glance like Chinese is, in fact, a syllabary with just 24 symbols to learn. More than that, the construction of the individual symbols tells you how the sound is produced in the mouth. The components of the consonant symbols represent the shape of the tongue, teeth and throat.
The following notes are adapted from the Wikipedia article linked above:

Velar consonants A side view of the back of the tongue raised toward the velum (soft palate)
Coronal consonants A side view of the tip of the tongue raised toward the alveolar ridge (gum ridge).
Bilabial consonants The outline of the lips in contact with each other.
Sibililant consonants represents firm contact with the roof of the mouth.
The stroke on top represents an additional burst of aspiration.
Glottal consonants An outline of the throat

Until I learned that this language was created in 1443, I would have confidently guessed that the science of articulatory phonetics was founded in the mid 19th century by Victorian boffins.

Now that’s what I call spelling reform.

Splogs, Plogs and Throgs

I was just reading about splogs (spam blogs, the scourge of the blogosphere) and it reminded me to follow up on my mention of my daughters coming to dinner. I predicted that the conversation would be entirely about horses. I was wrong. We talked about many things; and one topic is worth sharing…

When the girls were little they both had wellington boots in the shape of animals. One had ducks on her feet, with yellow beaks and the other had frogs; green wellies with boggly eyes. The little one had trouble saying “frogs” and used to refer to them as “plogs”. The older one used to correct her very carefully “No, it’s not ‘plogs’, it’s ‘throgs’”. (She was very proud of her ability to pronounce “thr” and not turn it into “fr” like some of her friends.)

Some years ago I was on a crowded and cramped plane, already feeling stressed, and tried to bend down to do up my shoelaces. When I felt myself jammed behind the seat in front, I went into panic. For years after that (and still, to some extent) I am nervous about flying in case that horrible feeling returns.

Many self-help books on phobias tell you to recall a happy time in your past and learn to feel the physical sensation that memory evokes. This gives you a happy and safe place to return to when your mind is threatening to betray you. I have always resisted this idea; I have not wanted to pollute a happy memory by associating it with negative feelings. But somewhere along the way I realised that all I had to do was say “plogs and throgs” to myself and I was immediately smiling. Just the sound of the words does it. It evokes the happiness I feel when I think of my darlings when they were this age.

Hartng Hill circa 1987

Harting Hill circa 1987


I have used this very effectively on many occasions. It really works. If I’m scared or sad or fearful, just thinking “plogs and throgs” makes me happy again, for a few minutes at least. I don’t have to think about my children specifically and therefore the negativity doesn’t cling to the happy memories. In fact, I get to think about that lovely time more as I get to tell this story whenever the issue of phobias arises.

Oh.. look at the size of that spider! Plogs and throgs, plogs and throgs, plogs and throgs…